Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Fire
by Rydia Highwind
Summary: What would happen if the FY characters worked at my old job? Kinda dirty, but amusing.


This fic is about what would happen if the Fushigi Yuugi characters worked at my old job. ^_^ Not completed, but check my profile for updates.  
  
  
  
OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE  
by Very Wicked Lady  
  
SPLOOSH!  
  
"$%%#%^%#@!!!!"  
  
Nuriko pressed his lips together in a tight scowl and refrained from saying anything. This was the fourth time that day that Tasuki had managed to dump a pitcher of juice all over the floor. He just sighed and returned to spreading peanut butter and jelly over a slice of bread.  
  
"Nuriko-kun," Tasuki whined, "wouldja clean this $%#ing mess up for me? I gotta get these juices poured before everyone else gets here."  
  
Nuriko tried very hard to control his temper. It wasn't easy. "Tasuki-kun, the reason we are having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for our alternate tonight is because I've had to help somebody clean up a juice spill three times already," he said through clenched teeth.  
  
Tasuki was staring at him. Or rather, his hand. "Anou...Nuriko-kun..."  
  
The violet-haired man looked down and saw that the sandwich he had just made was now little more than a completely mashed piece of bread with strawberry jelly dripping down on to the floor. "AUGH!" Nuriko exclaimed, slamming the former sandwich on the silver table. "That's IT, Tasuki!!"  
  
Tasuki made a sort of eepy noise as Nuriko rounded the cook's table and lifted him into the air by his collar. Although the aggressor was a half foot shorter, Tasuki's feet dangled off the ground.  
  
Just then, the door to the kitchen opened and Chichiri walked in, dressed in the standard blue scrubs that both Tasuki and Nuriko also wore. He glanced at the other two occupants and sweatdropped. "Daaa....," he murmured. "I'm not even going to ask no da." With that, he escaped into the office.  
  
Nuriko dropped Tasuki, who slipped in the spilled juice and fell onto his backside. "I lost my train of thought. Clean up your mess, Tasuki-kun," he said, returning to the cook's table and peanut buttering another slice of bread.  
  
Tasuki sat on the floor in the middle of the juice spill for a moment, blinking and thanking Suzaku he was still alive. As he got up, his back to Nuriko and the cook's table, he noticed something. "What the--$%@$^!! My ass is all $^%#ing wet!!"  
  
Nuriko burst out in laughter. Even Chichiri, still hiding in the protection of the office was peeking out and chuckling. Tasuki fumed. "$%@!! This is all your $%@$ing fault, Nuriko-kun!!"  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Nuriko yelled. "I'M NOT THE ONE WHO SPILLED THE JUICE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!"  
  
Tasuki, remembering that Nuriko was pissed off, rushed off to look for the mop. Chichiri assessed the situation and, deciding it was safe, he emerged from the office. He was the floater that night and so he started doing the place-mats. Nuriko, still mad, finished the last of the PBJ sandwiches and started putting the dinner in the steam table. Tasuki grumbled about annoying purple haired cooks as he mopped.  
  
Soon, Soi walked in. As usual, she had shunned the scrubs and was wearing something much more stylish. In his good nature, Chichiri looked up and said, "Konnichiwa, Soi-san no da!"  
  
"Where are your %#^@ing scrubs?" Tasuki yelled.  
  
Soi glared and said, "What happened to your butt, Fang Boy?" She ran into the office before Tasuki could whap her with the mop. The mop head splattered against the office door seconds after it shut.  
  
"Well at least she's here on time," Nuriko commented.  
  
"It's a start no da," Chichiri agreed.  
  
Tasuki muttered something about women and brushed off his damp rear end.  
  
Suddenly the door opened and a confused looking guy with greenish blue hair walked in. "Um, is this the kitchen?" he asked, a bit nervously. "I'm the new guy in the kitchen."  
  
Tasuki glared at him. "Of course this is the $^@ing kitchen! Whadda ya think, this was the laundry?! With all the refrigerators?!" he snorted.  
  
The new guy got a very annoyed look on his face. Before he could say anything, however, Chichiri put in, "Don't mind him no da. He's just talking about the laundry because when he started, he went into the laundry by mistake no da."  
  
"CHICHIRI-KUN!!" Tasuki protested.  
  
Chichiri ignored the brash red head. "My name is Chichiri no da. The cook over there with the purple hair is Nuriko no da. The chick hiding in the office is Soi no da. And the fanged one with the wet butt is Tasuki no da."  
  
"My name is Tamahome. Nice to meet you, Chichiri-san," said the new guy.  
  
Soi came out of the office and gave Tamahome a once over. "Oh, you are so last century!" she complained. "You look like you came right out of a Chinese library book! You need to lose the ponytail, hon."  
  
Tamahome sweatdropped but Chichiri stepped between them. "Soi-san, you're washing dishes, ne no da?" Soi nodded and mumbled something about her fingernails. "I think Tamahome-kun should start on the other end of trayline no da. Ne, Nuriko-kun no da?"  
  
"Hai, Chichiri-kun, whatever you think best." Nuriko wasn't paying any attention to them at all, but trusted the monk--er, blue-haired guy's judgment. The cook easily swung a huge silver pan out of the oven and carried it single-handedly over to the steam table.  
  
Tasuki glanced at the clock and snorted. "Well whoever is supposed to be training him today, is %&#*ing late," he growled, pouring juice everywhere but in the cups. "$%#@$ it all!"  
  
Just then, the door opened and a flood of black smoke and negative energy poured into the room. An insanely horrible cackle could be heard ringing through the smoky darkness. Then the terrible figure entered, covered completely by a strange black robe. A set of smiling lips could be seen peeking out of the shadows. "Kakakakakakakakaka!" laughed the sinister voice.  
  
"All right, cut the fog!" Nuriko yelled. "Enough with the dramatic entrances, Tomo, we all know you're here now! And shut up with the URASI laughing before I strangle you!!"  
  
Tomo looked defeated and more than a little mad. "Nuriko-kun," he whined, "I was just trying to impress Tasu-chan!!" He took off the robe to reveal his blue scrubs and some funky looking hair and make-up.  
  
Tamahome stood there gaping at the newcomer for a second. "What's with...the, um, make-up? And....the feathers...?"  
  
Chichiri became the peacemaker...again. "Tomo, this is Tamahome-kun no da. He's the new guy and you're going to be training him tonight no da. Tamahome-kun, don't let him flirt with you too much no da.."  
  
Tamahome paled as Chichiri walked away. Tomo fluttered his eyelashes mockingly at Tamahome. "Oh, don't worry about it," he said, noticing Tamahome's blanch. "You're not my type at all. Tasu-chan, on the other hand...."  
  
"..........................," said Tamahome.  
  
Suddenly, Tomo was all business again. "Okay, the first thing we have to do is pour the coffee and hot water." He pulled out two trays and filled them with coffee cups. "If you want to kill the old folks at the home, this is the perfect opportunity to slip something into their drinks. Kakakakakakaka!"  
  
"..........................," said Tamahome.  
  
Tomo found to pitchers and brought them to the coffee machine, beginning to pour coffee in one and hot water in the other. "Now you pour one tray of coffee and one of hot water. Tasu-chan is doing the middle position today, but when Soi-san does it, she's really annoying about it. If she gets too annoying, just dump a cup of hot water over her. It works every time." Tomo smiled innocently.  
  
"..........................," said Tamahome.  
  
When the pitchers were filled, Tomo brought them back to the trays of coffee cups and started pouring the water and coffee into the separate trays. "When you get done pouring you have to put covers on them. This is so you won't burn yourself when you put them on the trays. Of course, there are holes in the covers, so it doesn't work too well. Honestly, I have no idea how those people drink this stuff! Maybe they all have iron throats."  
  
"..........................," said Tamahome.  
  
"Gee, you're a quiet one, aren't you. Can you say anything at all?" Tomo muttered, just a bit annoyed at this so far silent newcomer. Tomo liked a man who could talk a little!  
  
"Eep," said Tamahome.  
  
  
Tasuki shoved the last silver tray filled with juice glasses on it into the cart hard enough to knock most of them over. "%^@%&@^%!!!" he commented after assessing the situation.  
  
Everyone else was sitting there waiting for him. Nuriko looked as if he was going explode. "TASUKI-KUN!!!!!" he roared. "IT'S QUARTER AFTER FIVE. WHY HAVEN'T WE STARTED TRAYLINE YET?!"  
  
Tasuki meekly turned up the tipped over glasses. "Because I'm not ready yet," he whispered.  
  
Tomo patted Tasuki on the head. "Don't worry, Tasu-chan, I can make everything all better!" he said, winking very conspicuously. Tamahome looked like he was going to throw up.  
  
Tasuki shuddered. "Daijoubu, arigatou," he said dryly. Then he turned to Soi, standing on the other side of him. Kneeling in front of her and clasping his hands together, he begged, "Onegai! Trade positions with me!! I'll even give you a pedicure and call you hime like I promised!"  
  
Soi waved him off disgustedly. "Get away from me, you revolting little bandit!"  
  
"Who the $^@% are you calling a revolting little bandit!!" Tasuki demanded.  
  
"Well, you, of course," Nuriko commented from the steam table. "Can we start yet?" He had three plates of some weird, unidentifiable green stuff all ready dished out and waiting on the counter.  
  
"Hai, $^#@ it! Let's go!" Tasuki cried.  
  
Soi sent the first tray through. It was her job to put on silverware, condiments, tags, and hot plates. The first tray contained a tag and condiments. Tasuki blinked and said, "Um, Soi-san? I know you don't believe in hot plates, but you could at least give 'em %&#ing silverware..."  
  
"That just makes more dishes to wash," Soi said, looking over the next tag.  
  
Tasuki looked at the green stuff Nuriko had prepared. "Don't they need silverware to eat that?" he asked, putting a plate on the first tray and then getting the drinks for it.  
  
"Oh come on, Tasuki-san. Like those old people are actually going to eat that crap," Soi commented. "The alternate is PBJ, which you don't use silverware for anyway. So why give it to them?" She put another tray through.  
  
"Nuriko-kun? You're just going to let Soi-san insult your cooking that way?" Tasuki murmured, putting drinks on the next tray.  
  
The purple-haired cook shrugged. "She's right, you know." He glopped more of the green goo on a plate.  
  
Tomo was busily making sure he did a good job of training Tamahome and thus making trayline take even longer. He picked up one of the tags and pointed to something on it. "See this? This says 'coffee.' When it says 'coffee,' that means you put a coffee on the tray." He put that tag back and put a coffee on the tray. The next tray came by and he showed Tamahome that tag too. "This one doesn't say 'coffee.' That means it doesn't get a coffee. Got it?"  
  
Tamahome, who had his face in his hands, nodded.  
  
"Well now. How could you have gotten it? You aren't even looking!" Tomo complained. "You've got your hand over your eyes! I'll have to go through it all again now!"  
  
"Tomo-kun! If he says he's got, he's got it, okay?" Nuriko yelled, trying to speed the line a bit.  
  
Tomo turned and looked at Nuriko. "But what if he just thinks he's got it and he really doesn't? I just don't see how he could have possibly gotten it if he wasn't even watching what I was showing him!"  
  
Tasuki and Soi groaned in unison as the line was once again stopped. Nuriko remedied the problem, though, by saying, "Hai, but whose problem is it if he can't do his job when he's scheduled to do it?"  
  
Tomo shrugged. "They'd probably pin it on me, but what the heck." He turned to Tamahome. "Since you weren't paying attention, you're going to have to learn the hard way...."  
  
The blue-haired guy looked a little scared as Tomo breathed down his collar. "Yeah? And what are you going to do?" he countered a bit nervously as the feathers came close enough to brush against his cheek.  
  
Tomo grinned evilly and cackled. "Absolutely nothing. That's the point. You'll have to learn by watching now. Ha ha, you deserve it, you silly thing, you." Tomo proceeded to ignore Tamahome's existance.  
  
Trayline went quite a bit faster after that.  
  
After about five minutes of such, Soi stopped to study a tag. It was the last tag on that particular cart, so she called out, "Chen Emtato is your last one!" before she sent it through.  
  
When Chen Emtato's tray got to Tomo, he put it into the cart and shut the door. Then he called, "Chichiri-san! Cart's done!"  
  
"Daa?" yawned Chichiri, who had SD-ed and climbed on top of the cart for a nap. He peeked over the edge at Tomo. "Oh, cart's done no da. Yosh no da." He climbed on top of the coffee machine, which was a few inches away, and snapped his fingers. The cart disappeared.  
  
Tamahome gaped for a moment. Everyone else sighed and sweatdropped. Nuriko put his hands on his hips. "Come on, Chichiri-kun, you know they complain when you do it that way," he said. "They sure weren't happy when you accidentally ran that poor old man over. What was his name? Tan-san?"  
  
"Hai. His name was Tan Chamka-san. He liked to call himself 'Hikitsu.' Two hundred and twenty one years old. I can't imagine a worse way to go than to be run over by a food cart," said an unfamiliar voice from the doorway.  
  
"Daa?" said Chichiri, peeping over the edge of the coffee machine. He saw two people. One was a man about the same age as he with short green hair that stuck straight up. The other, the speaker, was a kid who could barely be a teenager with a brown ponytail that stuck straight up. "Who are you no da?"  
  
They both looked up in surprise and spotted the miniature guy on top of the coffee machine. Everyone else ignored the duo and kept working. The shorter spoke up. "Um, what are you doing up there? For one thing, it's not safe. For another thing, it can't be sanitary." Chichiri shrugged. "Well, anyway, I am Ou Doukun MD, also known as Dr. Chiriko. This is my partner, Myo Juan MD, or Dr. Mitsukake. We're the new doctors here." Chiriko smiled extra-cutely.  
  
"CHICHIRI-KUN, WE NEED TOAST!!" yelled Nuriko.  
  
Chichiri sweatdropped and jumped off of the coffee machine, un-SDing as he went. "Hold on a sec no da!" he said as he ran off to make some toast.  
  
The two confused doctors stared for a moment. "Oooooookay...," said Chiriko. "Dr. Mitsukake-san, what the jigoku was that??" He looked up cutely at the older doctor, an innocent look on his face.  
  
Mitsukake looked at Chiriko disapprovingly. "Come now, Dr. Chiriko-chan," he said. "You're too young to use language like that. Anyway, I believe that was an employee here. One that seems to like to super deform and say 'no da.'"  
  
Chiriko scratched his head. "Why does that sound so familiar, I wonder?"  
  
Mitsukake shrugged. "Another fanfic maybe?"  
  
Before the young doctor could respond, Chichiri had returned with the toast for Nuriko. "Now...what did you need no da?" he asked the two doctors. "Someone's tray no da? Special order no da?"  
  
"Well actually, we were wondering if you could tell us where the main office is," Mitsukake said. "Dr. Chiriko-chan here was so busy learning everything about this place that he forgot to memorize the floor plan." Chiriko looked chagrined.  
  
"Hai!" Tomo yelled. "Chichiri-san will show you where the office is while he brings this cart down, dragging it like the rest of us!" Chichiri looked at Tomo and grew a major sweatdrop.  
  
The three of them left with the food cart and Tomo made Tamahome drag the next cart into the kitchen. As soon as he did so, Tomo inspected the cart critically. "Tamahome-kun! I told you to get the pink cart! This one is blue. Now go drag it back out and get the pink one," he said critically.  
  
"You said the blue one," Tamahome grumbled as he complied.  
  
When the pink cart was situated, Tomo ran a critical eye over it. "Iie, I was wrong. We need the green cart," he said. Tamahome murmured a word that Tasuki was more likely to say and began dragging it back out into the hallway. Soi sighed and filed her fingernails.  
  
Once the green cart was halfway through the door, Tasuki declared, "He's messin' with ya, Tamahome-kun. You were right the first time." Tomo blinked innocently and smiled.  
  
Tamahome looked like he was going to explode. Nuriko noted this and commented, "If you're going to explode, at least do it back in the dish room. I don't want trainee parts all over the place. I was working that night you tried to train that weird blond guy, Tasuki-kun, and I was less than happy about that. This one'll be on your shoulders Tomo."  
  
Tasuki winced in memory and gave Tomo a sympathetic look. Tomo gulped and gave a nervous laugh. "Oi, Tamahome-kun, why don't I pull in the next cart?" he said in an overly kind voice.  
  
Soi finished her fingernails and started on her toenails.  
  
Nuriko looked at the clock and growled.  
  
Tasuki shouted, "ARE WE %&#ING DONE YET?!"  
  
Chichiri reappeared on top of the coffee machine. "Daa!" he said happily, completely unaware of the entire cart ordeal. "Is this cart done yet no da..?"  
  
"IIE, IT'S NOT, OKAY?" Tamahome sobbed. Tomo dragged the blue cart into the kitchen and cackled. He looked critically at Tamahome and pointed toward the dish room. Nuriko scowled.  
  
Chichiri looked very confused and a little scared as he ran off to pour some extra coffee for Tomo and Tamahome. Trayline finally started moving again. Nuriko had about twelve plates of food dished up already and was waiting impatiently. Soi quickly put her shoes back on and started the trays again. Tasuki dropped a carton of milk on the floor and managed to completely soak Tamahome, who was sobbing too hard to notice. Tasuki shrugged and went back to work.  
  
  
A half hour later, Chichiri brought the last cart down and everyone else cleaned up their work areas, except Tamahome, who was curled up under the coffee machine, refusing to come out. Nuriko tried poking him with the broom and received a frightened little sob in return.  
  
Everyone else proceeded to find something to eat and to claim a table in the break room. Tasuki decided to be daring and sample some of Nuriko's goo. Nuriko and Soi had leftover PBJ sandwiches and Chichiri had a bowl of soup he had conjured up from somewhere. Tomo was smothering a plate of macaroni and cheese with pickle relish.  
  
"Tomo-san, that is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen besides you," Soi commented, looking at Tomo's concoction.  
  
Tomo poked at it with a plastic fork. "It kinda looks like the boss, don't it?" he asked, spreading the greenish noodles around the edge to resemble hair. "I just need a couple olives for his eyes and a licorice for his mouth."  
  
Nuriko whacked him in the head. "That doesn't look a thing like Hotohori-sama, bakayarou! I can't believe you would even suggest something so incredulous!" he said adamantly. He pulled out a picture of their handsome boss from his pocket. "See? It looks nothing like him!"  
  
Chichiri sweatdropped and commented, "Tomo-kun, you should know better than to insult Hotohori-sama in Nuriko-kun's presence no da..." He glanced around the table. "Ne...Tasuki-kun, daijoubu desu na no da...?"  
  
Tasuki had sampled a bite of the gooey stuff and had turned the color of it. His eyes were wide and a bit bloodshot. He managed one word before falling out of his chair and making a mad dash for the bathroom and it wasn't one that's proper to repeat, nasty even for Tasuki's mouth. (Is that even possible?)  
  
"I guess not no da...." Chichiri glanced at Nuriko. "What all did you put into that stuff, Nuriko-kun no da..?"  
  
Nuriko blinked. "Oh, this and that. We didn't have half the ingredients for the meatloaf so I improvised," he replied, talking loudly over the sickening sounds that were coming from the bathroom.  
  
"Wait a minute, that gooey crap is supposed to be meatloaf?!" Soi cried in absolute astonishment. "Where's the meat?"  
  
"We were out...as I was saying, had you been listening."  
  
Tomo had missed the entire conversation, as he was giggling and making two of his green macaroni noodles dance with his fork and the spoon he had stolen from Tasuki's plate. He ended the dance by yelling, "OI!" and chucking the noodles at the wall, where they stuck conspicuously.  
  
Everyone was staring at him. Finally, Chichiri blurted out the question in everyone's minds. "Tomo-kun, what are you smoking no da?!"  
  
Tomo grew a largely innocent look. "Lampshades!" he said happily.  
  
For a long moment, the ticking wall clock was the only sound. Tasuki even stopped puking. Tomo blinked, having no clue what everyone was staring at. Chichiri was the first to regain his composure as he piped up, "Well...I should start looking for carts now no da!" He promptly disappeared.  
  
Soi leaped up. "I need to clean up in the dish room!"  
  
"And I left the steam table in a mess," Nuriko remembered. Soi dashed from the room, but the purple-haired cook quickly went over and tapped the bathroom door. "Tasuki-kun, for your own safety, start sweeping up and quick," he said, glancing at Tomo (who was now making cooing noises and pointing at the ceiling). He dashed from the room.  
  
A few moments later, a very pale looking bandit peeked out from behind the bathroom door, wiping at the corner of his mouth. "Tomo-kun....? What the %^@# are you doing?!" he asked weakly.  
  
Tomo was standing on top of one of the tables, his pants tied around his head so that everyone could see his, "I Love Tasuki," boxers with a heart for the dot of the 'i.' He had a very serious expression on his face as he preached to the candy machines on how silverware should be made illegal in the state of Iowa. There seemed to be two green noodles stuck to the wall behind him.  
  
Tomo took no notice of Tasuki or the fanged grin that was slowly spreading across his face. The redhead slipped back into the bathroom and pulled something out of his pocket. He snuck back into the room and took a seat in front of the candy machines. As Tomo raved about the evils of forks, Tasuki quietly snapped a few roles of film. Satisfied with his work, Tasuki crept from the room and back into the kitchen, grinning wickedly.  
  
Nuriko looked up from the steam table. "Whadda ya grinning about, ne, Tasuki-kun?" he wondered suspiciously. "I don't think I put any crack into this stuff..." He looked at the green goo again.  
  
Tasuki laughed. "Iie, Nuriko-kun--it's nothing from that...stuff. I think I got all that $^@$ing stuff outta me by now ma ii ka. It's just that I have thirteen roles of blackmail photos of Tomo with his $^@%ing pants off! Dahahaha!!"  
  
Nuriko shuddered. "When you get those developed, onegai...don't show them to me...," he said, a disgusted look on his face.  
  
"I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to see Tomo-san in his underwear," came Soi's sardonic reply from the dishroom. "He's not making any move to come in here, is he?"  
  
Tasuki shook his head. "Last I saw, he was standing on a table, his pants on his head, evangelizing to the candy machines on the evils of %&#ing spoons."  
  
"In other words he's too doped up to put dishes away," Nuriko grumbled. "And that new dude, Tamahome, has been reverted to infancy because of him. Great. Now whose going to put dishes away, ne, Tasuki-kun?" The purple haired cook glowered at Tasuki.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...SOMEDAY 


End file.
